This is my bicycle. There are many like it, but this is mine.

Hi all. Welcome to the second part of the 'How not to cycle round the world' series. Pull up a cup of tea and let me make you a chair.

Below you will see a picture of a bicycle. Her name is Heristorsen, because that's what I called my rocking-horse when I was 3.



Now, some of you may not be so au fait with bikes as your able narrator, so I'll take you through some of the notable features.

Wheels:

It's got 'em. Two of them, to be precise. To be honest, this was a cause for concern for me in the shop, as I was unsure how two wheels could possibly remain upright when travelling along. In fact, I'm still not sure. However, my requests for 4, 6 or perhaps even 8 wheels were greeted with a disdainful tut and much shaking of the head from the long-suffering shopkeeper. So two wheels it remains.

Saddle:

It's got one of them too. As a responsible customer, I was sure to check that one was included before I rode off. The saddle is made of leather, and is slightly harder than a comfortable anvil. I am assured that after 200 or 300 miles it will break in and mould to the shape of my rump. I am more inclined to bet that my rump will be doing the moulding, until I have a perfect saddle-shaped impression where my anus used to be.

Frame:

This is the bit of the bike that stops all the other bits of the bike from simply being bits of a bike, and turns them into a bike by holding them together. It is made of steel.

Bags:

I have various bags hanging offf the bike. There are three at the back, two on the front wheel and one on the handlebars. I put them all on myself, which pretty much guarantees them to fall off every five miles. Inside, there is a tent, a cooker, a sleeping bag, a few clothes, a medical kit, some spares and tools, and a penny whistle. And a multitude of other crap that is surely destined to find a final resting place on some roadside verge as soon as I get tired of lugging it around.

Deck-chairs:

These will not be coming with me.

Various accesories:

In addition to the above, I have also put a number of other things on to the bike, all of which I am assured are crucial, and none of which I am sure that I need. There is a bell for tinging pleasantly every 3 minutes, a speedometer to see exactly how slow I'm moving, bar ends to give my hands yet another uncomfortable position to hold the bars in, lights which I will use when I intend to cycle at night (which is never), a pump to hit aggressive dogs with in Romania, and brakes. Because what I really, really want to do after struggling and slaving with my poor legs to pick up enough speed to actually get anywhere, is to squeeze my hand effortlessly and come to a standstill. Fortunately, I don't intend to stop, so I can use my brake-levers to hang windchimes from. Which will be nice.

So anyway, that's about it. I leave on Monday, and will try and keep this updated reasonably frequently. Until then, enjoy the sun!

Coming soon...

...to all good cinemas on the Norfolk Broads.



Since leaving regular employment, I've found myself very easily distracted.

How not to cycle round the world

Coming soon to BiP - performed and then written by Dan 'Not again' Gregory.

In July 2010, an unremarkable man will leave England with a bike, a half-baked idea, and an uncharacteristically short haircut. His mission - to cycle from Ipswich UK to Ipswich Australia, something that he's always never dreamed about doing for his entire life. With no experience, insufficient preparation and a super-human ability to make a terrible hash of everything, he will foolishly set off to tackle this insurmountable challenge.

He will almost certainly fail.

Dan will leave with his former bandmate and good friend Tom Askew for a couple of weeks cycling round Holland/Belgium, before being unceremoniously left on his own to head towards Istanbul. Tom has the utmost confidence in Dan's ability to utterly break down at this point, and will be greasing his lower legs to prevent Dan from pathetically clinging onto his ankles as he boards the Eurostar home. Tom has also suggested a number of blog entries that you may well see in the future, such as 'How I raised the bar (and then ran straight under it)' and 'Riding a bike - you can forget.'

Dan hopes to raise money for a charity, but he hasn't decided which one as a lot of them seem just as good as the others but for different reasons. It may well be for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, or it may be for Medecins Sans Frontieres. Now that he's mentioned both of them, it might now have to be both out of politeness. But the main thing to remember is - whoever wins, he loses.

In summary, over the coming months this blog will chronicle Dan's day-to-day trials and how he's unable to overcome them. Read of colourful local cultures that he never experienced, exotic locations he failed to notice and dangers that inevitably got the better of him. A life-affirming and heartwarming read, Dan Gregory's experiences will convince you that yes - you really could have done so much better than he did.

Critical reception:*

"I've never laughed so hard at someone else's expense in my life." - Time Out

"Truly emotional stuff. At one point I felt that I was really there with him; hungry, terrified, and crying in a tent." - Sara Flimsy, London Review of Blogs

"What a tool." - Nuts Magazine


*These quotes are made up. Time Out have never heard of me. There is no such person as Sara Flimsy. And I bought Nuts Magazine once in order to find a recipe for Pecan and Macadamia Pie, and feel that they should probably change the title to something a little less misleading.

Dan's Winter Driving Tips

1 - Pulling away:

Use the highest revs possible. Engage first gear and release the clutch swiftly. Make sure that you keep accelerating. This is the only way to break free of the snow's icy clutches.

2 - Stopping:

Your brakes will definitely stop you if you need them, so always drive confidently and with this in mind. After all, they've never failed you before...

3 - Cornering:

Corners should be taken at a reasonable speed and with decisive confidence. If you start to spin, relax. You will probably go all the way round in a minute.

4 - Motorway driving:

Change lanes as often as possible to keep heat in the tyres. Drive at 70 mph regardless of conditions, visibility or traffic jams. After all, the speed limit is there for a reason - to stop people going too slow.

5 - Parking:

Leave your car anywhere. If the conditions have got the better of you and you have slithered into the middle of a busy intersection, just give up. Leave your vehicle there and walk the rest of the way. It'll still be there when you get back.

6 - Hills:

There are two ways to tackle hills. Technique (a) - Approach cautiously at 5 mph in 1st gear. You will crawl steadfastly to the top like a tortoise, and if you begin to lose traction, simply rev harder. You'll get there in the end, champ.

Technique (b) - Accelerate to at least 45mph. Select top gear. Charge blindly at the hill with your eyes shut. You'll be over it in seconds. Easy as that.

7 - Pedestrians:

They are more scared of you than you are of them. Exploit this fact. Old ladies are remarkably sure-footed when crossing icy roads, whereas your car is a potential catherine-wheel of automotive death waiting to happen. As this is the case, make sure you do not adjust your direction or speed for anyone, as this could result in catastrophe. Ignore the children throwing snowballs in the middle of the road. They're young... they'll heal.

8 - Other road users:

...can be trusted implicitly. After all, they have a driving licence, don't they? Drive as closely behind them as you can, and let them plough a path for you through the frozen wastes. If anything happens, they'll bear the brunt of it, and you will be able to stop safely behind them.

9 - Cyclists:

Treat cyclists in exactly the same way as you do in clear conditions. By ignoring them.

10 - Precautions:

To ensure that your car is warm in the morning, leave the radio and sidelights on overnight. The gentle glow and soothing late-night jazz will stop it from freezing. To defrost the windows, pour on warm bisto - nothing melts ice quicker. If you are only going for a short journey of less than 3 hours, don't bother bringing a coat, gloves or shoes. After all, you'll be in the car. If you begin to feel chilly, turn the heater up.

If you do become stranded, try eating the foam out of the car-seats. It is an excellent natural source of fibre and poly-urethane.

Dan's Winter Driving Tips were brought to you by Dan. He had a car once, until he crashed it.

Posting Strike

Yeah. Any regular followers of this blog will have noticed that there has been nothing new on here since January 2009. Although if you have been checking regularly since then in the vain hope of coming across some new inane ramblings, then there is probably something a bit wrong with you.

Anyway, during 2009 I have been doing all sorts of other things that haven't involved posting nonsense onto the internet, such as growing my hair, endlessly walking back and forth to work (forth and back, surely?) and shedding my hair. So, this blog is on hiatus until something happens that I deem worth writing about. Watch this space but don't hold your breath. Something almost happened a few months ago, but then it didn't happen. That was the last thing that almost happened. Since then, nothing.

Finally, the much-vaunted late noughties super-group Buried in Pompeii is now sadly no more, due to a lack of interest from the musicians and pretty much the world at large (and also because Steve is selling our synth on ebay because he needs money). We may reform one day, but only when the world is finally ready.

Anyway, until something happens... stay alive, be happy, and try not to cause too much trouble.

Buried in Pomposity is infrequently brought to you by Dan Gregory, disenfranchised synth-player and second-rate citizen.