I've been having difficulty thinking of anything to write about today, mainly due to the fact that I may have had one of the dullest days ever. The more exciting events included:
- My walk to work coinciding almost exactly with another man who was travelling at the same pace as me. This turned the whole journey into a very slow and farcical race in which he would overtake me by getting lucky on a pelican crossing, and then I would retake him by being on the pavement on the inside of a slow bend. This went on for 10 minutes, and I'm sure both of us were painfully aware of the other's irritating presence.
- My work computer needed to perform an update at about 11.30, necessitating a shutdown and restart.
- My colleague Mik turned my desk fan on at 15.30 to be annoying, then refused to come back and turn it off no matter how much I ranted and threatened legal action. In the end I did it.
- Walking home, I passed a young and dissolute-looking couple. The male of this shoddily-attired pair handed the girl his coat in a touching display of drunken chivalry. While she was putting it on,I clearly heard him say, 'Don't put yer hands in the pockets, there's a coupla sharp blades in there innit.' To which she replied, 'Nah, I just wanna wear it.' I found this rather sweet, actually.
So, as you can see I've had a well riveting day (I don't mean I've been riveting wells, by the way. I mean it's been exciting, although I was being sarcastic, so I don't mean that either). However, it hasn't given me much fodder for today's post. So I thought about yesterday's blog, and how brilliantly I was able to assume the role of a doctor when someone I cared about needed my attention. And I got thinking about my doctor, and the difference between us.
The only frame of reference I have to compare myself with the good doctor (his name will remain secret) is all the treatment he's given me over the years. So I thought I'd have a look at that, and see whether I could do his job.
In my professional relationship with Dr Diabolus (name changed to protect identity), he has:
- Injected me with medicine that will prevent me from catching measles, rubella, and mumps.
- Made me blow in a tube to see if I had asthma (I don't).
- Put his finger up my arse.
- Cupped his hands around my balls, and squeezed each in turn.
- On two seperate occasions.
- Diagnosed me with mumps.
And that's it. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for the medical profession, but is it possible that I have been seeing the scariest, most useless doctor in the world? He failed to protect me from mumps (which makes your bollocks go really big and can make you infertile, for those of you who haven't had the trouser-splittingly painful pleasure of it), and he also made me blow into a tube for no reason whatsoever. The bastard. Also, I only let people do the other three things on that list when I'm in a loving, trusting relationship with them. And if I'm in such a relationship with Dr Deviant, then his Valentine cards have clearly got lost in the post.
So as far as I'm concerned, I am as fit to practise medicine as any local GP, and a damn sight less likely to molest my patients to boot. Now all I need is someone to practise my new-found skillz on.
Fortunately, I know where I can find sick people in their millions. It's right at my fingertips, and it's full of people who need immediate medical attention. I'm talking, of course, about YouTube. And in particular, the people who comment on it.
So, I'm going to see if I can diagnose what's wrong with three different YouTube users, picked at random by my browsing.
I'll try and find user #1 by typing something completely innocent into the browser. 'How to make a kite' will do.
Irritatingly, I found that YouTube's clever I-can-predict-what-you're-going-to-want-to-see-search-thingy doesn't work. After typing the words 'how to make a' into the search box, I was given a choice of videos offering to show me how to make a bomb, smoke bomb, laser, pen gun and a virus. But I don't want to make any of those things. I want to make a kite. Ahhh, here we are.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=--U9mKsZi2Y
There is one comment on this page, and it is written by the charmingly-named xXxscumer12xXx. It reads:
nalaing ka yot
yotninam met tilaada idiot tatel dugyot torpe!!!
I am immediately able to diagnose this user. He is blind. What he wanted to type was perhaps along the lines of 'Making a kite! What a wonderful thing for somebody to show me!!!'. However, he was sadly unable to see either the keyboard or the video itself, thus resulting in total gibberish. Unfortunately I am not Jesus (or anything resembling Jesus), so I'm unable to restore sight to the blind. I'll list this as a failure and move on to YouTuber #2.
I fancied something a bit more incendiary for the second person, so I thought I'd grapple with a more polarising topic. How about something concerning the ongoing American Election? Sounds good...
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=q6SbkItLSQg
I select YouTube user xryan11 to be the subject of this diagnosis. His considered comment reads thus...
He (Obama) Could Be the anti Christ it says in the Bible That everyone will love him...But He cant even produce a real birth certificate and he is not an American Citizen he is a Socialist And that is one step down from communism he wants peoples hard earned money to go to people who dont want to work and choose not to work... if he gets elected we will get attacked SO WHY DO YOU THINK THE TERRORIST GROUPS ARE SUPPORTING Barack HUSSAIN!!!!! Obama hes not right... McCain 08
I am not going to comment on the veracity of this clearly heartfelt statement, or indeed on the validity of either candidate for the American Presidency. I'm simply going to diagnose what is wrong with the commenter. Here goes...
He is a fuckwit.
That was easy! I'm totally getting the hang of this doctoring lark! I would possibly go so far as to write this person a prescription for about 10 years worth of proper education, a long chat with a mental health professional, and a muzzle. In the meantime, I will move on to subject #3.
For the last one, I'm going to stray to the world of music. There's a lot of music on YouTube, and a lot of people who like music. So, who is one of the most well-liked performers in the industry? Ah yes...
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FdJCtqegd8A
Here is a man who is completely incapable of causing conflict or strife. I mean, he's a Christian for goodness sakes! So, I should be alright to find a comment that is neutral, and that I can diagnose on its own merits. After all, this is a scientific project of sorts.
I've settled for Mr Twittertwatter's comment. It reads:
I dearly hope Cliff sings at the 2012 Olympics, and that he also suffers stage fright, resulting in him doing a huge shit in his trousers which is clearly visible to the naked eye.
I can diagnose this chap straight away. It seems he is suffering from an advanced case of 'hilarious'. Twittertwatter, go and have a lie down before you hurt yourself.
So, all in all, I think that was pretty successful. I must warn you though, don't attempt to look through YouTube comments yourself - you are likely to become very enraged indeed. Leave it to trained professionals such as myself. And for heaven's sakes, don't be tempted to comment yourself - this is akin to marching into an asylum, strapping on a straitjacket and demanding 240 volts directly into the spine.
Should have a guest blogger tomorrow. See you soon. Remember, Buried in Pompeii gigs on Thursday at the Queen Charlotte and on Saturday at B2, both in Norwich. Take care.
This blog is brought to you by Buried in Pompeii, who now have tracks on Myspace - http://www.myspace.com/buriedinpompeii . It's written by Dan.
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