Here is the Sun's journalistic offering.
So, this is from a paper which has a circulation of 3 million in a country of 60 million people. A paper which is arguably the most popular tabloid in the UK. And a paper that doesn't know how many pennies there are in a pound.
Now allow me to demonstrate why Indian journalism is the best in the world.
The Hindustan Times costs a sixth as much as the Sun, and its circulation is proportionally 36 times smaller. However, if I had a choice between the two, I'd go with the Times every time.
From the joyous headline - 'Cops in a Tizzy', to the first paragraph's hilarious closing sentence - 'The incident had top cops a-flutter for several hours', this article is one of the most cheering things I've ever read in my life.
I'm going to transcribe verbatim the central section of this article, as description doesn't do justice to its sheer brilliance. This leads on from the bottom of the picture.
'When he returned, his heart was in his mouth. The car was gone.
Nervousness soon turned to panic, and Haldar approached a nearby traffic constable. "What? A red-beaconed army car has been stolen? Quickly report the matter to the nearby Hare Street station," the constable said.
The Hare Street police initially suspected that Haldar had a hand in the theft and so they grilled him. But when they realised that the driver was innocent, they thought it prudent to inform the higher-ups. Soon, the home department, the CID, the detective department and senior officers of the special branch all sprang to their feet.'
If only all English news articles were written in such a pleasing prosaic manner, maybe I'd stop seeing newspapers merely as uncomfortably-scratchy emergency toilet paper.
But hang on, that gives me an idea! What's the BBC's top news story today...? Ah yes.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7787904.stm
Now, all I have to do is channel the power of Indian journalism, and we will transform this dusty, figure-laden borefest into a vibrant piece of reporting poesy! Here goes...
Woolworths Shutting Up Shop
Top bods at Woolworths were crestfallen to announce that come January 5th, every one of their stores would shut its doors for the last time.
Over a thousand-score employees are set to come a cropper if no benefactor can be found. The first shops will close on the 27th December.
Those in the know have mentioned that there's been some interest in the ailing firm, but all agree that no single buyer is clamouring for a slice of the pie.
Businesses specialising in scoff, togs and bargains are all sniffing around, eager to take over the leases of the 300-odd ex-Woolworths. Measures will be taken to keep old staff members out of a pickle by re-employing them in these new outlets.
Creditors and suppliers reportedly kicked up a furore when they found out that they would not receive full recompense for their services.
And there has been a hullabaloo on the high streets as people flocked to the stores nationwide, hoping to snaffle a bargian as Woolworths enters its final death-thoes.
I could go on, but you get the general idea. Despite my best efforts, I'm completely incapable of replicating the pleasing, archaic style of English-language Indian newspaper. Which is a shame, because if all news were reported in this way - with the elegance of Dickens and the language of Austin - nobody would need to buy a book ever again.
Oh, hey, also... come to our gig on Friday in Felixstowe. Hooray!
Buried in Pomposity is the product of Dan. He is not a journalist, and can barely be described as a writer. He is 6 feet long.
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