Bands come in all shapes and sizes, sounds and styles. You do not have to wear a flag and display your undercrackers to be in one, as Mr Rose is rather flagrantly demonstrating in the above photo, but such behaviour is more befitting to a rock star than, lets say, a chartered accountant. Many people know that the name Axl Rose is an anagram of Oral Sex. Fewer people know that it is also an anagram of 'Real Sox', which is the actual reason why Rose chose it for his stage name. As you can see, his socks are indeed extremely real.
The purpose of a band is almost identical to the purpose of an iPod, in that they play music so people can listen to it. The drawback of a band is that they take up roughly 5,000 times more room, only play between 6 and 20 songs in one go, and you have to pay money to stand in a hot, sticky venue while smelly people stand on your feet in order to listen to one.
Modern bands usually incorporate drums, guitars and vocalists in order to create a noise, although some of them add synthesizers, samplers and uncoordinated men with maracas to fill out their sound. These additions are usually unnecessary and tend to get in the way.
The role of the drummer is to turn up to practises and make a constant, continuous racket for the duration of the session. They tend to balance this out by subsequently turning up to gigs and forgetting to play at the times when they are supposed to. Bassists hate their instrument (for being boring), themselves (for not being talented enough to learn a better instrument), and their fellow band members (out of jealousy caused by the previous reasons). Bassists are usually depressives and alcoholics, but nobody cares, because after all they are only the bassist. Guitarists are widely regarded as being 'cool'. This despite the fact that they probably learnt their instrument by playing 'Smoke on the Water' again and again in a darkened room at the age of 15, then picking their spots and feeling 'frustrated'. Keyboardists are the worst of the bunch, since their instrument carries as much sex appeal as Bernard Manning's decomposing inner thigh. Anyone playing a keyboard looks like they've wandered in from a nearby community centre and have no idea what they are are meant to be doing, or indeed what day of the week it is. I am a keyboard player (although I prefer to call them 'Fiddle-planks').
Some bands play their own music which they have written. This is brave, applaudable and rather stupid. Other bands play music that other people have written. This is neither brave nor applaudable, and is even stupider (yes, stupider is a word) - as the below video will testify.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw8sNoodIDk
There are other types of bands, such as brass bands and jazz bands. These however do not count as bands, because they are only listened to by pipe-smokers called Geoff who tinker with things in sheds and say things like 'by Jove'.
Although it may sound as if I don't like bands, or music, or anything whatsoever, this is a false impression. In fact, I myself am in a band (although it is impossible to utter that phrase without sounding like a posturing fop with a sock packed into his briefs). My band is called Buried in Pompeii, for no good reason at all. There is a picture of us below.
You might recognise my polystyrene-hipped fender salesman landlord as the man with the bass guitar and the distressed expression. Also appearing are Tom, a talented and scruffy guitarist, and Stephen, a talented and neatly groomed drummer. We play our own songs to politely disinterested audiences, which are sometimes 20 or 30 strong. When we finish making noise they clap. I like to think that this is because they have enjoyed it, not because we have stopped making it.
While most bands melt swiftly into obscurity, some bands manage to achieve a much lusted-after thing known as 'fame'. This seems to entail having to do for a living what you used to do for fun, with the added irritation of having to go on a bus every day, and have people scream at you every night. Drug-taking and sex-having are encouraged when you are a successful rock star. These activities are also encouraged when you are a successful crack whore.
Successful bands from the past include, but are not limited to:
- Def Leppard - a dyslexic band who were neither deaf, nor composed of leopards.
- The Beatles - A dyslexic band from Liverpool. Liverpool also gave the world Merseybeat, Craig Charles and the West Indies slave trade. Liverpool has a lot to answer for.
- Bill Haley and the Comets - One of the few bands from the United States of America.
But of course, there are dozens more.
If your interest has been piqued by this article, then you have the enviable opportunity to see Buried in Pompeii LIVE AND UNCUT this very weekend. We will be performing in the small seaside town of Felixstowe at The Cork, a glamorous and cosmopolitan music venue located roughly 17 drunken steps from the glorious beach. This festival of music* will take place on Saturday night.
That's everything for now. Tomorrow... something else.
This blog is produced in association with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii. It is written by Dan.
*not a music festival
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