However, being a lazy beast, Steve has drawn a small comic in MS Paint rather than actually taking the time to write anything. And I don't think this gives you enough Steve at all, not by a long shot. So, I have taken the initiative and flicked through my email inbox for more Stephen gold.
Stephen and I email each other occasionally throughout the working day, checking up with each other, discussing hilarious vending machine mishaps, that kind of thing. Today, Steve decided to give me a rather detailed blow-by-blow of his lunch break in email form. I responded in kind, feeling that my lunch-break was equally deserving of merit. So, below, I give you the Ste and Dan Inept Lunch-off. Enjoy.
No, the corner led to another corner, to another. Soon enough I started to think the boys in the office were having a laugh, but I must push on, prove them wrong. There’s 1 shop for 10 houses is my theory, so if they were lying I’d soon find one anyway. So I continued.
“Hi, do you know where the nearest shop is?”
– “Yeaaa mate, juz keep on goin up the hill, and tis on the end matey”
– “Shouldn’t you be in school?”
– “Naaah mate, you got a problem? You want me to stick this in you?”
– “Sorry I don’t bend that way”.
Ok I made the last part of that up, so anyway, I pushed on knowing now that there is definitely a shop at the end of this road. Out of breath, with an aching smile, the shop appeared before me. I fell through the door.
“Excuse me, do you take cards?”
– “Certainly, but minimum spend is £10”
– “Oh f off, I just want a sandwich, jezus”
What I really said was “ah ok, well, alright.” So I bought:
- Heinz All Day Breakfast sandwich (artificial but nice)
- Two Pork Pies (ate one)
- Walkers Sensations – Szechuan Spice (rank)
- Extra Mints – Sugarfree (always handy)
- A Twix (nice)
- Peperami (haven’t eaten yet)
- PJ smoothie (strawberry flavour) (quite nice)
“That’s £9.18 please"
- “oh, I thought this added up to £10.20 or something”
– “Nah, fraid not, pork pies aren’t the price on the packaging, we sell them cheaper”
– “Oh…can I…..uh….have your daughter for 2 mins for 82p?” (legal age, looked nice, out back, again, didn’t say that)
– “ah ok, give me a packet of small golden Virginia”
– “Out of small ones I’m afraid, we have drum…amber leaf...”
– “Well I don’t fcking like them so no” (didn't say that)
- “Actually can I just go get a packet biscuits, one min”.
Finally, paid for, out of the shop, I cartwheel down the road back to the office, pull out a cattle prod and attack.
All in all, I’ll probably do it again as it’s a nice walk.
Dan's Lunch
By Dan
I went to the corner shop for lunch, which is a 15 second walk from my desk. I went in, got a sandwich, some crisps, a caramac and a can of diet coke. I went up to the counter and had to queue as a posh woman bought 200 Superkings for 48 quid. While this went on the queue stacked up behind me. Eventually it was my turn.
I put my things down and got a winning scratchcard out (£7) and gave it to the woman. I assumed she would realise that I wished to redeem the value on the card for the snacks in front of me and then receive some change, but she just stared at it like I'd handed her a dead goldfish. So I said to her, in my best speaking-to-thickies voice, 'Yeah, can I redeem that and get these with it?'
She went over to the machine and tinkered with it for about a minute as the queue started to lead out of the door, then turned round and said 'Sorry, but it says that this one doesnt win.'
I realised then that I was the thickie and had given her the one from yesterday, which indeed didn't win. I got out the winning one and gave that to her. That was fine. She spent a minute fiddling again while everyone behind me fantasised about kicking my head in and then eating my sandwich, then went to the till and gave me 7 quid, and turned to look at the next person. So I said, 'Sorry, can I get these as well?' and pointed to the things that had been sitting in front of her orange face for the last 5 minutes.
She rung them through the till as the queue as a whole fantasised about shoving my sandwich down my throat and then eating it when I was dead, then I handed her the fiver that she had just handed to me. She put it in the till, gave me my change. I dropped 20p of it on the counter, reached to get it, and knocked my crisps onto the floor.
I bent down to get them, which was tricky seeing as the shop was stuffed full of queue, put them in my bag with my other things, and went back to my desk.
The crisps were all broken and the sandwich wasn't very nice.
So there are our lunchtime emails verbatim. And, without further ado, Steve's comic.
Thanks Stephen!
Also, I might take this time to quickly plug our upcoming EP, which is probably going to be entitled 'Scissors Paper Nuke'. We are recording it on Sunday, and it will be available at our forthcoming gigs at the Queen Charlotte on the 6th November, and B2 on the 8th November.
Also, hello to this blog's first and only 'follower'! Thanks for following, though may I recommend you put some blogs on your page too? It's kind of the point, you see.
Finally, today is my blog's one week anniversary (or weekiversary). Hooray, and may there be many more!
This blog is produced in association with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii. It is written by Dan, and has absolutely nothing to do with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii apart from sometimes when it does.
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