As you may remember, this week I am talking about animals (and very adeptly too, if I may say so myself). However, animals aren't only fascinating when they're gambolling happily through fields, drinking water from limpid pools, or sitting on a blind woman's lap (who I have now noticed is wearing glasses. Strange). Animals are actually even more fascinating after they've been brutally killed, chopped up, lightly seasoned and slapped on a plate next to some potatoes.
So, today's bollog (bollog stands for badly organised literature lurking online, grrrrlfriend by the way) deals with that most delicious state of mortality - meat.
In order to make this more a blog and less the random ramblings of a mental incontinent, I decided to take some peoples' opinions. I asked a small selection of people the following question.
'Which animal, out of all the animals in the world, would you most like to eat.'
The results were varied, so I will address them one at a time.
Tim, my housemate, was straight in there with 'Boar'. When pressed for a more interesting answer, he was silent. He really likes boar.
Tom, the guitarist from the potentially world-famous band Buried in Pompeii, said 'Lamb.' Proving that, if anything, he is even duller than Tim. However, when pressed, he did suggest 'something spicier, like Man meat'.'
On the other end of the sexuality spectrum, Mik from my work answered immediately with 'Dita von Teese'.
I could have suggested to him that she might be good in a sandwich (with a raised eyebrow and knowing leer), but that kind of pun is way beneath me (and I've never leered in my life).
Lawrence, who sits behind me (at work, not all the time - he's not some kind of wheelchair-bound stalker), wanted 'something as rare as possible, so Panda then, please'. I'm with him on this. If the frigid bastards can't be bothered to copulate, they can at least keep my chips company while I wolf them down.
Pete, also from work, wanted 'Kudu'. This isn't a martial art, I was surprised to learn, but a kind of deer thing from Africa. They look delicious.
Apparently they taste 'like venison, but a bit more beef-like - really good' according to some source on the internet which I can't be bothered to link to. I'd be inclined to use the horns as twizzly kebab skewers, which would liven up even the stuffiest of dinner parties.
Louis, also from my work, wants to eat his cat. His cat is called Boosh, and he has already said on a number of occasions that he is planning to make her into a hat when she dies. Now, apparently, he is also planning to make her into a tasty snack too. When asked why he wanted to eat her, he said something like (although his distinctive dialect prevented me from getting a direct quote) 'It's what she would want, innit, and also it'll save me from buying cat food so everybody wins.' I'm not sure whether to report him to the RSPCA as a sort of pre-emptive measure.
Stephen, who shone in yesterday's blog by the way - well done Steve! - had a few suggestions. Horse was one, because he 'fcking hates them.' However, he also added, 'But I've already eaten horse and it's disgusting. Like their faces.' I myself have both eaten and ridden a horse when in Kazakhstan (not the same horse), and I vigourously refute his argument. They are lovely animals - good natured and sweet-faced beasts, which are best served with some kind of middle-eastern dip thing and some crusty bread.
Steve also suggested 'Honey badger, to see if it tastes like honey'. But this is just the kind of stupid thing he would say, so I stopped paying attention and went and did something else.
One of my longest-serving friends, Dave, who was in Kazakhstan with me (he got off his horse halfway through the ride, saying it 'made his balls hurt', and walked it all the way back to camp like an idiot) has also been vocal about which forbidden meat he'd like to eat (and not just because he's gay, which he very much is, although he wouldn't appreciate me making that lazy lazy joke, so sorry Dave if you're reading this which you aren't because you probably have something in your eye).
'Dolphin,' he said, on a beach in Goa. 'I want to eat a dolphin. Do you think there's any bits of dolphin in a tin of dolphin-unfriendly tuna?' I didn't bother to point out that tuna companies don't tend to market their product as specifically 'dolphin-unfriendly', preferring instead to keep quiet about the whole dolphins-stuck-and-drowning-horribly-in-big-nets unpleasantness. I did point out that they probably don't just dump the whole dolphin into a big mincing machine with all the tunas and stick the resulting slurry in a tin though. That happens on the Simpsons, not in real life.
I then went on to ask him why he wants to eat a dolphin. Turns out he has a theory that the cleverer the animal, the more delicious it is. I haven't seen Dave for a while, but I recently heard that he's just moved in next door to Professor Steven Hawking.
Anyway, those were the results of my poll. I may do another poll next thursday, keep an eye out for that. Personally, I would like to have a dodo jalfrezi, but I'm not able to because of the bloody Spanish. It seems, nowadays, that every time I want to do something I am cruelly prevented from doing it because of Spain and the damn Spanish. But more of that in the forthcoming 'Why Dan hates everything to do with Spain and the damn Spanish' bollog, coming soon. Anyway, if I had to choose an animal, I would have a zebraburger.
That's me for today. Sorry about the spacing and paragraphs, but I can't fix it and I'm hungry. Bye bye!
This blog is produced in association with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii. It is written by Dan, and has absolutely nothing to do with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii apart from sometimes when it does.
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