Nature's Most Wanted

Good evening, and welcome to another outpouring. I'm intending to make today's post slightly more factual than my normal offerings, but that doesn't mean we can't still have fun! After all, what's funner than knowledge? I also have to thank Stephen, the drummer from my criminally under-rated band, for today's topic. Thanks Stephen, you're great!

5 Animals you aren't scared of, but definitely should be

#1 - Horse

Now, I used to laugh at Stephen when he said he was scared of horses. I mean, look at it. Doesn't that picture warm the stony cockles of your heart? (In case you were wondering, the horse is the one without a shirt on). That is a picture of a trained guide-horse, which confirms two things. For one, the world is a terrifyingly bizarre place, and for two, that woman will not be able to sue me for stealing her photo to use on my blog.

However, as she has entrusted her life to that equine monster sitting on her lap, she probably won't get a chance to. It's impossible to know for certain how many people are maimed and killed each year as a result of horses, but I know for certain that the figure is well in excess of a million. That's right. A million fellow people put to death by these placid-looking bastards. Want examples? Well, here you go.

Alfonso I of Portugal, along with being called Alfonso (titter) was injured falling from his horse in some battle or other, causing him to be captured and surrender a large part of his kingdom. Alexander III of Scotland was ridden off a cliff by his horse, indirectly causing the 1st Scottish War of Independence, in which at least one person was killed, and quite possibly more. Nero Claudius Drucus, brother of Caesar Tiberius and namesake of a successful coffee outlet, was killed by his horse. Horses have been used in wars for over 3,000 years, including the recent conflict in Darfur. And, most alarmingly, actor Christopher Reeve was paralysed after falling from his horse in 1995. That's right, horses are so bad-ass that they can paralyse Superman.

All of the above facts are completely true. Now, who's for pony trekking?

#2 - Hippo

The word hippopotamus comes from the greek word 'hippopotamus', which translates roughly as 'river horse', thus casting a nice journalisstic symmetry on my article. Thanks, Ancient Greece!

Like horses, hippos are deadly. But this time, they are actually seriously deadly. Hippos are the number one cause of wildlife related deaths in Africa, and that is the stone-cold truth. Deadlier than lions, deadlier than venomous snakes, deadlier than hyenas, deadlier even than ostriches (which are the number two cause of wildlife-related deaths. They kick their victims - usually ostrich farmers - to death. I know you don't believe me, but this is all totally true). Hippos are fiercly territorial, can run at 30mph, and can weigh up to 4.5 tons. That's as heavy as a Humvee. They lie submerged underwater for most of the day, only pausing to bite passing canoes in half, before retiring to the bank of an evening for a good-natured trample. Still not convinced. I'll go further. Hippos eat midgets.

Or dwarfs. Whatever.

#3 - Cassowary

These are BRILLIANT. Cassowaries are the only bird to make this list, and that's because if you were to call one 'Pretty Polly' and try to feed it a cracker, it would probably rip your guts out.

They live in Australia. They are about 6 feet tall. They have large colourful crests, razor-sharp dagger-like toes, and they are able to hunt in packs. Sound familiar? That's because they're the closest thing to a velociraptor that we have left on the planet.

To quote Dr Wikipedia:

'They are capable of inflicting fatal injuries to an adult human. Usually, attacks are the result of provocation. Wounded or cornered birds are particularly dangerous. Cassowaries, deftly using their surroundings to conceal their movements, have been known to out-flank organized groups of human predators. Cassowaries are considered to be one of the most dangerous animals to keep in zoos, based on the frequency and severity of injuries incurred by zookeepers.'

I don't think I need to convince you further, but if you have any doubt, have another look at the picture.

Yep. Terrifying.

#4 - Duck Billed Platypus

Yep, Look at it. The bloody stupid-looking fluffy thing with a bill on the front. It's a mammal, but it lays eggs. Basically, it's something god doodled on the toilet door while he was taking a five-minute poo break. When it was discovered in the 19th century, respected scientists thought it was a joke. That's how retarded it is.

Except it's also packing some serious heat. In its back legs, it has two dagger-like 'spurs' that can swiftly inject an excruciating venom cocktail into its hapless victim, leaving them incapacitated and in excruciating pain.

In short, it's a poisonous duck beaver with a serious inferiority complex. Nuff said.

#5 - Honey Badger

It's cute. It has a totally pornographic name. Stephen is terrified of it. It's a Honey Badger.

These things can kill crocodiles (only the small ones, but still). If you don't believe me, check. They eat venomous snakes for breakfast, then wolf down a scorpion for elevenses. They can use tools. They are officially considered to be the world's most ferocious animal. It's even rumoured that when fighting, male badgers focus their attacks on the other's scrotum.

They are so ferocious that they have actually earned the name 'Killer Badger' from the Iraqi people. Yes, Iraqi's are more scared of badgers than American forces. How's that impotence feel, Mr Bush?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killer_badger

Of course, many people might say that I've missed out the most dangerous, destructive animal of all - Man. They would be wrong. A man is not an animal, it is a person.

Tomorrow is guest blog day. If I can find a guest blogger.

Today's article has been 100% factual. Normal bollogs will resume shortly.

This blog is produced in association with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii. It is written by Dan, and has absolutely nothing to do with the Indie Supergroup Buried in Pompeii.