All Dolled Up

Just a short follow-up to yesterday's shenanigans. Unfortunately I had to go out before 7.30pm - which is when Tim arrived home - so I didn't get to see his reaction.

However, he later informed me personally that it scared the absolute crap out of him.

Inflatably Droll

Hello, and welcome to Dan's Step-by-step Guide to (hopefully) Scaring the Arse off your Flatmate.

I say hopefully, because he isn't home yet. So I will be typing this quickly, and probably not have time to employ all those snazzy little linguistic tricks I know you enjoy. Like correct spelling, for example.

1 - Get your flatmate's hilarious oversized blow-up doll out from under his bed.

2 - Marvel at the box.

3 - Look up the name 'Fatima' on the internet. Learn that it translates to the Arabic for 'she who weans'. Wonder what the hell that has to do with anything. Realise that the manufacturers probably chose the name because it has the word 'fat' in it. Laugh knowingly. Notice you have become diverted and a slave to your own thirst for knowledge. Return to the task in hand.

4 - Inflate doll.

5 - Become dizzy.

6 - Discover several air-leaks, one in the rectal region. Try not to think how this may have been caused.

7 - Shove one sock up doll's simulated anus in order to stifle leak. Realise that at some point in the past your life veered completely off course, and that by rights you should probably be a lawyer or something by now. Try to forget about it.

8 - Tape up other leaks.

9 - Dress doll in your own shirt and trousers, and add a blonde wig for good measure. Try not to imagine what the act of dressing a lifesize doll might look like to a casual observer or the ghost of a dead relative.

10 - Take picture.

11 - Try to hang the doll by a belt from the light fixture in the living room.

12 - Fail. Curse all things light-fixture related. Kick doll.

13 - Try desperately not to think about how good kicking the doll actually felt.

14 - Attempt to suspend doll in the doorway to the kitchen, using first masking tape, then gaffer tape, then lots of both, then staples.

15 - Fail each time. Kick doll again. Consider spending an evening kicking a doll. Remember you have plans, and are not a mental.

16 - Position doll on toilet. Turn off the light and shut toilet door.

17 - Role play. Pretend you are Tim getting home from work and needing the toilet. Open toilet door.

18 - Actually scare yourself, even though you knew what to expect.

19 - Lock the front door with the key, and turn off all the lights. This will make it appear to a homecoming Tim that you have already left to go and watch Dreadzone at the Waterfront, whereas in fact you will be hiding in your room like an elfman. The house will appear empty.

20 - Post blog and shut down laptop, then gleefully await hilarity.