1 - Pulling away:
Use the highest revs possible. Engage first gear and release the clutch swiftly. Make sure that you keep accelerating. This is the only way to break free of the snow's icy clutches.
2 - Stopping:
Your brakes will definitely stop you if you need them, so always drive confidently and with this in mind. After all, they've never failed you before...
3 - Cornering:
Corners should be taken at a reasonable speed and with decisive confidence. If you start to spin, relax. You will probably go all the way round in a minute.
4 - Motorway driving:
Change lanes as often as possible to keep heat in the tyres. Drive at 70 mph regardless of conditions, visibility or traffic jams. After all, the speed limit is there for a reason - to stop people going too slow.
5 - Parking:
Leave your car anywhere. If the conditions have got the better of you and you have slithered into the middle of a busy intersection, just give up. Leave your vehicle there and walk the rest of the way. It'll still be there when you get back.
6 - Hills:
There are two ways to tackle hills. Technique (a) - Approach cautiously at 5 mph in 1st gear. You will crawl steadfastly to the top like a tortoise, and if you begin to lose traction, simply rev harder. You'll get there in the end, champ.
Technique (b) - Accelerate to at least 45mph. Select top gear. Charge blindly at the hill with your eyes shut. You'll be over it in seconds. Easy as that.
7 - Pedestrians:
They are more scared of you than you are of them. Exploit this fact. Old ladies are remarkably sure-footed when crossing icy roads, whereas your car is a potential catherine-wheel of automotive death waiting to happen. As this is the case, make sure you do not adjust your direction or speed for anyone, as this could result in catastrophe. Ignore the children throwing snowballs in the middle of the road. They're young... they'll heal.
8 - Other road users:
...can be trusted implicitly. After all, they have a driving licence, don't they? Drive as closely behind them as you can, and let them plough a path for you through the frozen wastes. If anything happens, they'll bear the brunt of it, and you will be able to stop safely behind them.
9 - Cyclists:
Treat cyclists in exactly the same way as you do in clear conditions. By ignoring them.
10 - Precautions:
To ensure that your car is warm in the morning, leave the radio and sidelights on overnight. The gentle glow and soothing late-night jazz will stop it from freezing. To defrost the windows, pour on warm bisto - nothing melts ice quicker. If you are only going for a short journey of less than 3 hours, don't bother bringing a coat, gloves or shoes. After all, you'll be in the car. If you begin to feel chilly, turn the heater up.
If you do become stranded, try eating the foam out of the car-seats. It is an excellent natural source of fibre and poly-urethane.
Dan's Winter Driving Tips were brought to you by Dan. He had a car once, until he crashed it.
