I'm pleased to be able to announce that winner of the coveted Buried in Pompsity Submarine of the Day Award has been chosen. It was a tough contest, but in the end only one candidate displayed what it takes to be a truly great submarine. I present to you, the SSBN Vanguard Class Ballistic Missile Submarine!
SSBN Vanguard - 'Wow! Wow thank you! Oh my god!'
Buried in Pomposity - 'Congratulations! How does it feel to be chosen as our sub of the day?'
SSBN - 'Oh, just great! You know, I always had a feeling I was destined for this award, ever since my inaugural voyage in 1993.'
BIP - 'Really, 1993? Gosh! So what would you say to those people who think that this award is about youth and beauty rather than talent?'
SSBN - 'Well, of course they are wrong. There's more to being a submarine than having a great figure and a pert little conning tower, you know, and it's time people realised it. Plus, you know...' *giggle* '... I still make waves in the right circles you know!' *wink*
BIP - 'I bet you do! Come on, everybody's dying to know, what are those vital statistics?'
SSBN - 'Hehehe, don't be so naughty! Oh, ok... I'm just a shade under 150 metres from stern to stem, and I have a beam of just 12 metres... but I can still cram up to 135 men inside me!' *laughs*
BIP - '...And your tubes? Tell us about them...'
SSBN - 'I got four of them! I know, right? They're 21 inches a piece. But I've got a lot more hardware inside, including...' *whispers* '...nucular warheads!'
BIP - '16 of them, so I hear?'
SSBN - 'That's right! But don't tell anyone, I don't want to seem too full of myself!'
BIP - 'It sounds like you're already stuffed full of men and bombs to us! But tell us, if a guy came up to you in a bar and wanted to chat you up, what should he say?'
SSBN - 'Oh, I don't know... chat up lines are so cheesy!'
BIP - 'How about "I'm not a submariner, but I'd love to go down on you?"'
SSBN - *gasps* 'Oh my god that's so naughty! But yeah, as long as he was confident, I reckon I'd go for it.'
BIP - 'So where should he take you, to impress.'
SSBN - 'Well, I spend most of my time off the coast of Portsmouth, just exercising, so he'd have to take me somewhere exciting. Ooooh... how about the Baltic sea?! I've heard so much about it and it has loads of history!'
BIP - 'It's a date. There used to be a lot of Russian subs in the Baltic though, what do you think of them?'
SSBN - 'Ahhh, I don't know. I don't really like them, they're a bit old and nasty for my tastes. Plus...' *whispering* '...I've heard they contract out to other navies. That is soooo nasty!'
BIP - 'Wow. Ok. So, who would you say is your hero?'
SSBN - 'Oh, that's a tough one. I'd have to say Dame Kelly Holmes. She's set such an example over the last few years, and I hope to one day become a role model like her.'
BIP - 'That's pretty unlikely though, isn't it. I mean... you're a submarine.'
SSBN - '.....'
BIP - 'A submarine...'
SSBN - *sniff* 'This is just the kind of bias I have to put up with every day. Just because I carry around weapons that could potentially destroy mankind forever, people never take me seriously when I talk to them about helping people.'
BIP - 'But you're a submarine...'
SSBN - 'You sound just like Oxfam, when I offered to be the focal point of their ad campaign.' *crying heavily now* 'They rejected me, Greenpeace ships hate me, and enviromentalists... they...they...'
BIP - '...yes...'
SSBN - 'They want to see me scrapped!!' *wails in anguish*
BIP - 'Look, we're sorry if we offended you...'
SSBN - 'No! No, its too late. I'm leaving. The interview is over.'
Ladies and gentlemen, our Submarine of the Day!
The weekend now commences. Usual bloggy service will resume on monday. See you then!
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